From underneath a rock in Media Void
Week 9: You got man and you got machine
You got union and you got management. You got offense and you got
defense. You got wisdom and you got foolishness. You got Jedi and Sith.
You got good guys and bad guys. Well, in the BDFL kinda like the NFL you
have a thing called collective bargaining. In the BDFL, in regards to
The Bulletin and The Commissioner… The Commissioner is in
charge. He’s the top dog. He’s the captain of the ship. He’s the
skipper. He’s the head honcho and the big cheese. Then you have the
liberal media, and The Bulletin, which is not Pravda.
It is not a vehicle of the state. It is an independent entity that tells
it like it see it. And, the league and The Bulletin have
collectively bargained to work to together for the benefit of the
league. The Bulletin has total editorial control, but the
commissioner’s office doesn’t have to post it. The Bulletin can
also be a “day late,” or “phone it in" on occasion and the league office
has to deal with it. It has worked since 1995. Thank you very little.
Dogs Appear Unstoppable Comeback to Sickle Sloths:
The
Brookside Dogs are 8-1. Mark’s Mutts have the most points in the BDFL,
and they are the only team with more than 300-points at this point in
the season. Like a dog that can “point,” the Brookside Dogs know what’s
going on in 2019. Mr. Mark Burr’s Brookside Dogs scored a Week Nine high
of 55-points in defeating the Sloth Monsters this past weekend. Signs
read, “we sickled the sloths” (some were just like this, but in ALL
CAPS). For this original franchise, this is unprecedented territory. The
Dogs are rolling. The Dogs were the talk all over Brookside on Sunday,
including at the Saint Nicholas Greek Orthodox Festival on Church Street
and at the top of the hill at the St. Michael’s annual cemetery service.
It was the first traffic jam reported in Brookside since Pat & Greg’s
wedding in 1976. Brookside is ready to explode, if the Dogs can keep
winning.
Cheetahs Erase Winless Moniker:
From an
8-1 team to a 1-8 team, and the 1-8 team is actually happy. That’s
because the latter team finally got to celebrate (something other than
another grand-child being born). The Southside Cheetahs finally earned a
vict’ry in 2019. Butch’s Sin Wagon rolled to a one-point win over the
Duncanville Armadillos, 25-24. It was a game that was close from the
opening kick-off until the final, potential, winning field goal attempt,
sailed “wide right.” Butch said in a gleeful mode, “the price of vict’ry
is high… but so are the rewards.”
Blitz Puts A.W. on Sleds:
It’s
amazing what publicity a match-up of 3-5 teams will sometimes get both
in the general, liberal media, and on the front page of “thebdlf.com.”
The Druid City Blitz and the Fairfield PowerSleds stumbled into an
apparent, random, Week Nine game on the banks of the Black Warrior River
on Sunday. The contest ended in a rout. The Gritz Blitz put up an A.W.
on the Mean Machine with the final score reading, 42-19, in favor of the
home team. The loss dropped Jack Slovensky’s team to 3-6 on the season
(and in real jeopardy of falling under the sway of The Bullet Rule),
while the win elevated daBlitz to 4-5, and apparently a featured spot on
the league’s website.
Wildcats Improve to 3-6 by Upsetting Freebirds:
The second
biggest underdog coming into the Week Nine slate of games, was the
Western Hills Wildcats, getting 5.5-points in a home game against the
Black Creek Freebirds. (The biggest underdog came was the Cheetahs at
+6.5 knocking off the Armadillos – see story above). The “James Gang,”
if nothing else, is scrappy. The Wildcats found a way to move the ball
against the Van Zant Rebel Rockers – mostly with a five-wide formation,
and some Ed Bruce deceptive motion of running a motion man one way… and
handing off in the opposite direction – and even though Jamin’ Jaimie
Hand “was” that “motion man/flanker” in his youth… the strategy still
surprised him and led to the BioCats beating Bocephus, 29-15.
Juggernauts Rally Past Cronies:
“You don’t
sell the steak. You sell the sizzle.” That has been a model of every
mayor of the Magic City since the original Mayor Arrington. The basic
idea: promote the Birmingham you envision, not the Birmingham you can
see. It’s a basic strategy that has allowed the city to flourish for the
past 30-years, and while Memphis, Nashville, and Jacksonville were out
chasing NBA, NFL, and NHL teams, the City of Birmingham was promoting
parks, and domes, and civic arenas, and the beauty of Southside and
Sloss. But, in Week Nine in the BDFL, the Magic City Mayors were
confounded by the progressive Bra Burners who rallied in the closing
seconds to defeat the Cronies by a touchdown. “Upon further review, the
‘Nauts win, 28-21, to improve to 6-3 on the season.”
Grenadiers Improve to 6-3 by Edging Bullets:
Both the
Mineral Springs Grenadiers and the Benton Bullets ended action in Week
Nine with identical records of 6-3. That was accomplished by the Gut
Grenades exploding to block a couple of kicks, have the football bounce
up into the hands of the special teams player, and have that player run
in un-touched for a TD… twice. The final score was 17-16, as the
Grenadiers turned back the Bullets by one.
Bellcows Return to Losing Ways by Dropping Another Close One:
The
Fieldstown Bellcows could not stand prosperity. After picking up their
first win of the season a week ago, the Bell Heads let vict’ry slip
through their fingers in Week Nine, losing to the Altadena Dorians,
22-20. In his first year in the BDFL, Belrose is now learning what the
“Bullet Rule” is: “no team shall enter the Big Daddy Championship Series
with a losing record and thus be eligible for the BDFL title.” The rule
stems from the Capital City Bullets winning the Championship in complete
and total legitimacy back in 1997 without a winning record, when in the
infancy of the BDFL, the Championship was determined by “total points
and total points only.”
Gamblers Suck Less Than Blue Deacons:
In the
last and least game from Week Nine in the BDFL, the Gulf Coast Gamblers
stammered and stumbled their way to vict’ry over the Blount County
Bumpkins, also known as the Mt. High Blue Deacons and the Heavy Duty
Bishop Squad, by the final score of 15-13. Both teams emerged from the
carnage with identical records of 5-4 on the season, but Bishop – in
defeat – captured the “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” award.
Random Quotes from The Bulletin's
Idea Closet:
‘Tighten
up! There’s gonna be a layoff.”
“Slow down
when you top a grade.”
“Six of
one, half dozen of the other…”
“You bunch
of mullets.”
“Go for
his jugular.”
“He threw
him the urine ball… and he knocked the piss out of it.”
“Call it
both ways.”
“Keep it
fair.”
Week 9 in the Jr BDFL
- “It’s all about the kids.”
In the JrBDFL, from the
best reports The Bulletin could gather, Ben Hand is leading the Junior
League with a record of 8-1, and Matthew Hand is in second, sporting a
7-2 mark. The kids are alright and have set up a cyber league that is
certainly hard to hack into. The second half of the season should be a
wild, roller coaster ride… buckle up… “yeah, buckle this!” They have
changed to JrBDFL mascot to Dark Helmet from the Mell Brooks movie,
Spaceballs.