From underneath a rock in Media Void
Week 8: The annual “opposite” episode (with an assist from George Costanza)
George Costanza
– “Why did it all turn out like
this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh,
maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know
when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me
sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my
entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite
of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every form of
life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.”
Bellcows Finally Ring Vict’ry Cow Bell:
David
Belrose always dreamed of joining an elite Fantasy Football League. He
knew in order to accomplish this later in life, he would have to abandon
Fultondale and move to Fieldstown. He would have to enroll at Bragg
Junior High School and graduate from Gardendale. There would be tough
times. He would have to endure DuBose and Shula and hold a tailgate
umbrella for years (but only when it rained… not for “shade,” – Bishop
would supply that for the Hand Brothers in the form of a tent). So,
Belrose in 2019 finally is granted a BDFL Franchise. He gets the elite
Fieldstown moniker to go with it and the nickname of Bellcows. He buys a
fancy cow bell. He renames it a vict’ry bell and proclaims that he will
ring it after every Bellcows win. He waits. He waits. And, he waits. He
proclaims, “when we win, we are going to ring our victory bell… like we
always wanted to.” Well, after 7-straight losses to open his BDFL era,
the Fieldstown Bellcows finally picked up a vict’ry in Week 8, defeating
the Mayors 37-25, and Bellrose got to ring the “Vict’ry Bell,” like he
always wanted to.
George:
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs,
and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry:
Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and
being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George:
Yeah, I should do the opposite,
I should.
Jerry:
If every instinct you have is
wrong, then the opposite would
have to be right.
George:
Yes, I will do the opposite.
I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the
day, so now I will do the opposite,
and I will do something!
George:
Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria:
Oh, yes I was, you just ordered
the same exact lunch as me.
George:
My name is George. I'm unemployed
and I live with my parents.
Bullets Open Can – Put A.W. on Cheetahs:
After a
modest and mild two game losing streak, the Benton Bullets returned to
their winning ways in Week 8 with a sound and furious A.W. against the
Southside Cheetahs. The final score was 33-7, but it was never close.
Bystanders and witnesses (which are not the same thing) had the same
line to characterize what they saw. “It was like a baby seal clubbing,”
said those in attendance. The Benton Bullets hammered the four-time BDFL
Champions, who are but a pale veil of their former selves this season.
In fact, the Cheetahs have reached a new low. In Week 8, the Sin Wagon
“wins” the “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” award with the low score of
seven, and they lose their 8th game of the season to become
the first team in 2019 to be officially eliminated from the Big Daddy
Championship Series under the proverbial “Bullet Rule.” Yikes and ouch
and other bad words of anguish can’t describe it too succinctly for the
Cheetahs.
Freebirds Jank on Juggernauts:”
In the
only other A.W. of the weekend, the Black Creek Freebirds were rockin’
and rollin’ from Thirsty Thursday through the 4th Sunday of the Month,
in route to a 37-13 win over the Jugtown Juggernauts. Jammin’ Jaimie
Hand had the “best hits of all time,” cranking through their entire
60-minute game with the ‘Nauts, and the Freebirds didn’t stop until the
third encore was complete and the SRO* crowd had got their money’s
worth. The Van Zant’s are feeling it this season with a record of 6-2 in
the BDFL. That mark is bested by only one team in 2019, and that’s the
Brookside Dogs.
Victoria:
Who are you, George Costanza?
George:
I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
Dogs Do Opposite and Upend Sleds:
That’s
right. The Brookside Dogs are 7-1. It wasn’t easy, but the Old Super
Banker decided to copy his hero, George Costanza, in Week 8 and do “the
opposite.” Mark Burr has tried for 24 years to win the BDFL. And, it now
looks like he has a chance after adopting this new strategy of going
against every instinct and impulse and ever measure of common sense that
he has. It paid off against the Fairfield PowerSleds who just tried to
deal with the Dog’s strategy, but were foiled at every turn, and
eventually defeated by the Dogs – in a close game – by the final score
of 20-18. Mark’s Mutts threw on first down, they passed on 3rd and
short, they quick kicked, and pulled out some surprise on-sides kicks.
They even put eleven men on the line of scrimmage on defense and Mad
Jack didn’t know whether to wind his rear end or scratch his watch. “The
opposite has worked all season for the Dogs,” said one of those ESPN
experts (McShay or Kiper or Wingo or Golic). “And, it worked again in
Week 8. Look for Burr to continue to do the opposite and be kind and
generous for the rest of the season. Heck, he might even be nice to Stan
White.”
Gamblers Gut Sloths:
In another
close game this Sunday, the Gulf Coast Gamblers defeated the Sloth
Monsters, 30-27. This one was back-and-forth all day, like most of Mukes’
trips to the Biloxi-Gulfport area. Make no mistake, Mukes was “winning”
at the tables, especially video poker. But, whatever the Son of Slim
would win there he would turn around and lose on “room service.” He just
couldn’t hold onto anything for a long period of time (see: no plausible
thumbs). The Three Toed Tree Dwellers just kept losing the lead to the
Dixie Mafia, and when it was checkout time, the Sloths had to pay up to
Kenny B. & Company.
George:
Yes. And listen to this, listen to
this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job
interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling
secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of
my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm
completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment
I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is
my religion.
Gut Grenades Put up 30 – Earn Vict’ry Over daBlitz:
Another
team to score 30 points in Week 8 in the BDFL was the Mineral Springs
Grenadiers. Old Iron scored 30 and Old Jerry (Fritz) scored 21. So, the
Gut Grenades exploded on the Mad Bombers ending the game in an
unexpected way for both teams. Even though the teams are not in the same
division, it was a pivotal game in the standings. Both the Grenadiers
and the Druid City Blitz came into the game with identical records of
4-3. But, to continue overstating the obvious, the Commissioner with the
critical win, moves to 5 and 3 on the season, while the deflating loss
drops the Gritz Blitz to a .500 mark of 4-4. So, these two teams now
approach a very crucial part of the season in the middle of the road, in
the middle of the standings, with fair-to-midland teams.
Mr. Steinbrenner:
Nice to meet you.
George:
Well, I wish I could say the same,
but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the
logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine
organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the
city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take
our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the
glorification of your massive ego!
‘Dillos
Dump Dorians in OT:
By far,
the closest game of the weekend took place between the Duncanville
Armadillos and the Altadena Dorians. This one was nip-and-tuck the whole
way. Another report of the game called it tighter than Dick’s Hat Band.
It was the proverbial “horseshoes and hand grenades,” because of the
closeness of the game through all four quarters. The game was “razor
thin” the whole time between the ‘Dillos and the Dorians. But, in the
end no one won. It had to go past the end and into overtime to determine
a winner. Even then it was determined you might say “by a whisker,” or
“by a hair,” or in horse racing parlance, “by a nose.” The Bulletin will
just report: the ‘Dillos dumped the Dorians in OT.
Jerry:
Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle...Costanza?
George:
I'm the assistant to the
travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on
the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm
busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
Blue Deacons Beat BioCats:
In the
week’s biggest underwhelming contest, the Mt. High Blue Deacons
entertained the Western Hills Wildcats (if even a thing like entertained
is a possibility in Blount County, outside of Rickwood Caverns). Both
teams struggled to score points, but in the end the Heavy Duty Bishop
Squad found a way to defeat the “James Gang,” in a low-scoring affair.
It was definitely the opposite of a good game.
Week 8 in the Jr BDFL - “It’s all
about the kids.”
In the JrBDFL, almost half the season is gone and we really don’t know
what these kids are up to… so, the plan is working for them AND for the
adults. “Let the kids play.” (Just a saying… not to be confused with the
real motto of the BDFL and the Junior League).