Mayors vs. Woosiers

Last weekend Mayors’ owner Alan Arrington returned to his high school alma mater to be honored as part of the first Gardendale High School basketball team to advance to the state play offs under the tutelage of legendary basketball coach “Cap’n” Jack Standridge, who the Great Wizardo truly regretted never being able to play for at GHS. As a side note, the relationship between Coach Standridge and Coach Bruce was much like the one that existed between Adolph Rupp and Bear Bryant at Kentucky. Both were extraordinary coaches, but couldn’t exist at the same school. Bryant knew basketball would always be king in the Bluegrass State while Standridge knew the same to be true for football at Gardendale, at least as long as Coach Bruce was in charge. Regardless, Alan loaded up on Geritol and dumped some Grecian Formula on his hair before running on to the court (hobbled may be a more appropriate description), grabbed his hamstring in apparent pain, yet still managed to chest bump a couple of old teammates at midcourt. Even better, Alan’s “King & his Court” rolled to victory in the first round of the BDFL play offs, thereby setting themselves up for a possible second title. Standing in their way will be the “Hayden Hillbillies” and fantasy super star Michael Vick. ELVO has a surprisingly low line on the game, but may be factoring in the rumor Tommy is resting Vick for the finals. Either way, the Mayors will find their royal gene pool to be too shallow to stop the Woosiers.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

 

Cheetahs vs. Wizards

The Great Wizardo always says he would “rather be lucky than good”, and was proved prophetic, as is often the case, when an otherwise weak performance stood the test of time in knocking off the dark horse favorite Juggernauts in round one due entirely to a substitution blunder that would have otherwise moved the Nauts to round two. Still, the Wizards will take their “tainted” dubya and scurry back to Tampa where they will face Butch Neal and his “Scarlet Harlots” on Sunday afternoon. Tampa is well known for an appallingly high number of strip clubs, adult entertainment establishments, pawn stores, and bail bondsmen offices, so the morally challenged Cheetahs should be right at home when they arrive this weekend. Still, whether it be porn stars or pawn stars walking the streets of Tampa, these two teams are relatively well matched with no real stars to pull the train, and although the Cheetahs know all to well how to pull a train, it won’t be enough to quite cover the spread, but the Wizard says a narrow victory for Butch may still be in the offing.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

 

Fighting Slovaks vs. Dogs

Despite a strong regular season showing and a berth in the BDFL championship series, it wasn’t enough for Adam Slovensky and his “Marauding EuroTrash” to beat down the gates in order to sack and pillage their way to a shot at the title. Unfortunately for Mark Burr and his “Feathered Fiends”, they suffered the same fate despite a point total that would have won two of the other three championship series brackets showing indelibly that, as the Great Wizardo always says, “The schedule maker giveth, and the schedule maker taketh away”, often times at the most inopportune moments. Nevertheless, salvaging some pride and draft day positioning in 2011 is still in play heading into Week 16, which assumes the Iron Hand won’t pull some more draft day chicanery to aid him and his cronies. In other news, riots are breaking out all across Europe. Whether it is due to the new “austerity” plans many of the largely socialist governments are trying to implement to prevent their “nanny” states from imploding, or simply rumors the Slovaks were house hunting across on the European continent could not be discerned at press time. That being said, the Slovaks won’t be able to lay enough cash on the barrel head to cover the spread, and certainly wouldn’t be left with enough change for the homeward voyage.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Juggernauts vs. Grenadiers

Allyson Edwards might have considered committing “hari kari” (Wizard’s Note: Not the legendary but now deceased baseball announcer, though committing a “Harry Caray” wouldn’t be a walk in the park either, but rather the ritualistic suicide favored by many Japanese in the past when a “loss of face” was suffered.) at the moment if she were true to her employer’s ethnic roots after making a game day decision on the Juggernauts kicker that proved to be the difference between winning and losing. The heavily favored “Amazonian Ambulance Chasers” only needed to start a kicker that would have actually been playing, and they would have advanced to the semi-finals and a potential date with destiny. Instead, the Nauts will have to settle for playing Chris Hand and his “Nadsmen”, the defending champions who thought rolling one of their nads on the field was more than enough to secure victory, only to find out it would take much more than that to go back-to-back. Fortunately for the Great Wizardo, ELVO has made the Grenadiers a slight favorite, a betting blunder not much better than Allysons’s kicking gaffe last week, and will pay an equally heavy price for his transgression.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Sloth Monsters vs. Wooden Warriors

In the BDFL’s version of the NIT, Mike Dismukes and the “Limb Dangling Leviathins” advanced to the second round of the mullet toss with an impressive final throw while Jaimie Hand and the “Wooden Puddin’ Heads” also cut loose an equally impressive mullet toss to advance although Jaimie later said the mullet toss in his “other” league was much further. With little more than pride at stake, these two intra-divisional rivals will square for that plus the right to serve up some braggin’ rights over the long winter months. ELVO says blood is thicker than water, and proves by going heavy on his kid brother the Wooden Warriors. Although the Wizard agrees the Wooden Warriors turned up the heat after running afoul of the “Bullet Rule” and are piling up impressive statistics in garbage time like they were in a contract year, the ol’ Wizard suspects the Warriors will stumble just enough to miss covering the 4.5 points.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Blitz vs. Bullets

Jerry Fritz and his “Chill Pill Poppin’ Pachyderms” short circuited last week causing them to drop to the loser’s bracket of the BMS, a dubious honor at best. Meanwhile, the “Dixie Pixies” continued their slide into oblivion despite one of their most impressive outings of the season. The Great Wizardo says “everything is timing…and ball bearings, of course”, something the Bullets should have learned this season after letting family priorities come between him and the BDFL draft. The Great Wizardo also says it will be a cold day in Hades before Bullet let’s Nephew Nicholas draft for him with brother Jaimie's “B” list, a list Jaimie no doubt pawns off on every team in his “other” league. If this were a college bowl where every team with anything close to a winning record goes bowling, the Wizard suspects this might be the GMAC Bowl at Ladd Peebles Stadium, which seats about 20,000 and in the past has been played after the BCS championship game, an occurrence that still mystifies the Wizard.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.

 

Wildcats vs. Gamblers

In the other half of the “winner’s bracket” of the BMS, and the Great Wizardo uses that in only the most liberal sense of the term, Jerry James and the “Rocky Ridge ChildCats” travel to the Gulf Coast to take on Kenny Breal and the “Cajun Queens” in the Big Easy. Both teams posted impressive opening round wins, and still have hopes of salving the wounds from a lost season although any “champagne and caviar” dreams have long since been dashed on the treacherous rocks of the BDFL, a league that often grinds the bones of its dead to bake its daily bread. Both teams have line-ups that take down any BDFL opponent on any given weekend, but their ability to put their chess pieces in the right place consistently sealed their fate and banished them to the BMS. In the end, however, Jerry’s “Pause for the Claws” campaign will prove as fruitless as his “Just Say No” campaign of yesteryear did, allowing the Gamblers to rake in a pot that, while nothing to get too jazzed about, should be enough to at least pay for the cab fare back home across Lake Ponchartrain.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

 

Bootleggers vs. PowerSleds

Although the night that the lights went out in Georgia (Wizard’s Note: A song about an innocent man’s death in the electric chair.) got all the publicity, the black out in Fairfield in 2010 was equally impressive. After starting the season on an up note based on plenty of smoke ‘n mirrors, and little else, Jack Barnes and the “Plower Skids” made a quick descent to the bottom of the Graybeard Division just long enough to gas up and continue to the bowels of the BDFL. Keeping them company as the league doormat was Jon Wood and his “Blubbering Rubber Bandsmen”, making this match up somewhat fitting as the BDFL season rapidly approaches its conclusion, something that couldn’t come soon enough for either team. Even their sponsors are telling them to park their cars and complain of the catch-all “handling problems” as the root of any problems they’ve suffered. However, to prove every dog has its day, the Bootleggers put up an impressive performance before ultimately tumbling to the loser’s bracket in Week 15 while the Sleds continued a string of uninspiring, unending performances. Even in the face of that, ELVO cannot help but prop up a fellow Greybeard Division comrade by making the Sleds a slight favorite leading the Wizard to think ELVO was hitting the bottle when he set this line.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.