Wildcats vs. Wooden Warriors

While making reservations at the No-Tell Motel in Gulf Shores for the season ending mullet toss, Jaimie Hand and the “Troubled Tribe” couldn’t resist braggin’ about how dominant they were in their “other league” where the Warrior name seemingly strikes fear into the heart of their fellow “other” league members. That these mysterious “other” leagues cannot be verified as being actual teams run by actual humans, an especially difficult task in a virtual world, makes it almost impossible to know whether the Tribe is being truthful or merely shoveling more manure, although the fact Jaimie’s been wearin’ rubber boots of late might be a hint. Regardless, a Week 12 beating of the Sloths may have lifted the Warriors spirits while simultaneously dropping Mukes back to .500, but it won’t help get the Wooden Warriors any closer to the “Big Dance” in two weeks. Even an expected slaughter of Jerry James and the “Apathychicola Thunder Cats”, who are now officially on double secret probation with the league office, will do much to soothe Jaimie’s ruffled feathers, and not covering the spread will add insult to injury.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

 

Bootleggers vs. Wizards

Another BDFL team nearing probation for “conduct detrimental” to the BDFL is Jon Wood and the “Cant-win-one Booze Hounds”, who have a league low two victories. To make matters worse, Jon has to thank the Good Lord every night for the Wildcats. Otherwise, his Bootleggers would occupy the BDFL’s HT as well. Still, the Bootleggers can draw a measure of satisfaction by beating the “Magic Mountain Carpet Riders” in Tampa this weekend, a loss that would severely damage any hopes the Wizards have of sneaking in the backdoor of the BDFL championship series. Whether Merlin’s minions still have enough thread left in their flying carpets to get their championship series prerequisite seventh vict'ry is still in question, but there is no denying they have been handed a golden opportunity by the league schedule maker to notch it against the feeble Bootleggers. The Great Wizardo foretells a strong probability that the Wizards will get their seventh win, but he says covering the artery clogging 6.5 points will be a different story entirely.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

 

Grenadiers vs. Fighting Slovaks

Now that he’s relocated to Tuscaloosa, being spoken of in a positive light in high society is of the utmost importance for Chris Hand and the “T-town Nadsmen”, who are riding high atop the Greybeard Division and worrying about little more than jockeying for position in the upcoming playoffs. After rubbing elbows with Nashville’s elite (country stars & Titans) the Grenadiers should find their etiquette lacking for nothing amongst the Tuscaloosa gentry where families are judged by the types of balls they throw during the season. Fortunately for Chris, nobody has bigger balls than his Grenadiers, something he has been displaying all year, and as evidenced by his nads having to ride shotgun because the Grenadiers have been so pumped up. However, Cousin Adam Slovensky and his “Flailing Aliens” have come to life in recent weeks and would like nothing better than to take down Cousin Chris after dispatching Cousin Bullet last week. This game will be tighter than Dick’s hatband, and won’t be settled until an Monday night brawl between the Jets and the Patriots. Nevertheless, the Slovaks will be still be standing, even if wobbling a bit, tall enough to cover the 3.5 point.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

 

Woosiers vs. Dogs

The Great Wizardo always said that legendary football coach Bear Bryant could “take his player and beat yours, then take your players and beat his”, a feat Tommy Todd and his “Love Guns” appear determined to match after finding new ways to win each week, and from a variety of angles, leaving the Woosiers alone atop the BDFL pecking order with but two games left in the regular season. However, a not-too-shabby bunch from Brookside will greet them at Five Mile Crick Ballpark with the smell of blood in the air as Mark Burr’s “Fang Gang”, who themselves sit atop the Yellowhammer Division and are assured of a spot in the season ending run for the roses starting Week 15, will have their teeth filed to a fine razor’s edge in hopes of shredding any air of superiority the Woosiers may have. Despite their lofty ranking and tireless, or shameless, self promotion, the Great Wizardo says the Woosiers will find their trip to the Slovensky Bed ‘n Breakfast in Brookside to be less than satisfying, and the hometown Dogs tougher than the leftover Fourth of July barbecue Jimmy and Donald will be serving for Sunday brunch.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Cheetahs vs. Sloth Monsters

Weebles may wobble and not fall down, but Mike Dismukes and his “Woblin’ Goblins” wobbled a little too far, fell, and now they can’t get up after crossing into the Bullet Zone with their eighth loss of the season. Despite no chance for a second BDFL title, the Sloths can still gain a measure of respect by caging Butch Neal’s “She-Lions” on Sunday afternoon. The Cheetahs are sitting precariously on the bubble as far as getting their ticket punched to the “Big Dance” is concerned, and have a number of teams fighting to knock them off that bubble meaning a victory and a point explosion this weekend could go a long way in locking down a playoff berth. ELVO says this one is a toss up, and for once he may actually be right as evidenced by the Great Wizardo agreeing with him. Further, the Great Wizardo says his crystal ball foretells a tough weekend ahead for the Cheetahs, and that the slippery slope they’re on will get even slicker come Sunday evening.
Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.
 

Blitz vs. Mayors

With a point total that has them swimming with the league bottom feeders plus seven losses on their resume, Jerry Fritz and the “Pill Peddlin’ Pachyderms” have pretty much packed their bags for a trip to Gulf Shores in two weeks, especially after having both of their starting quarterbacks go down for the count. On the other side of the coin, Alan Arrington and his “City Hall Hooligans” find themselves sitting pretty in the playoff race with an impressive record and an equally impressive point total to boot. Based on their respective position in the standings, this match up looks like a blow out for the Mayors, but the Wizard says the Blitz can still marshal enough firepower with Brandon Jacobs and MJD to put more than a scare into the home standing Mayors. However, in the end expect the Mayors to crank up their “Tammany Hall” like political machine enough to overcome the Blitz, and cover the healthy 5.5 point spread as well.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

 

Bullets vs. Juggernauts

The “Stars ‘n Bars” is not flying at half mast over the Edmund Pettis Bridge, but it is certainly hanging limply at the moment after the “Saturday Night Specials”, who have been anything but special in recent weeks, suffered their seventh defeat of the season in Week 12, a loss that pushed them to the edge of the “Bullet Zone” with no margin for error over the last two weeks of the regular season. Unfortunately for the Bullets, the schedule maker did them no favors this week by packing the Bullets up and sending them to east Alabama to battle the high flying “Talladega Tojos”, who appear to be cruising to the playoffs heading into Week 13. With the Bullets in desperation mode and the Juggernauts switching to playoff mode, the Wizard smells an upset cooking, as does ELVO with an unexpectedly small 2.5 point spread in the offing, but the Wizard suspects the stench is the smell of death surrounding the Bullets and their playoff aspirations.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Gamblers vs. PowerSleds

After starting the season in relatively strong fashion, Jack Barnes and the “Motor City Mad Men” have slumped badly in recent weeks, enough so that any title hopes they may have harbored have all but evaporated, leaving them on pit road with the hood up and the crew scratching their heads trying to figure out the problem. Nevertheless, the Sleds are still on the right side of the “Bullet Line” and are clinging to their playoff hopes, however faint they may be, with what amounts to death grip until one last shove sends them into oblivion. Meanwhile, Kenny Breal and the “Mulatto Mafia” have long since given up on the illusion of going to the championship series, and would like nothing better than to dash what title aspirations the Sleds may have, something a Gambler vict'ry would ensure. The Great Wizardo says to expect the Sleds to be tinkering under the hood of the “Mean Machine” all week prior to the arrival of the Gamblers, but suspects it will amount to little, and certainly not enough to give the Sleds a realistic shot at a badly needed “dubya” or even get within the 4.5 point ELVO spread. Misery loves company, the Wizard always says, and they’ll be plenty to pass around come Sunday evening.

Wizard’s Winner…Gamblers.