Cheetahs vs. Mayors

After sixteen brutal weeks of play, the lone argument to be decided is that the Greybeards will once again hoist the coveted BDFL silver helmet. The only question to be settled now is which one will be dong the heavy lifting come Monday night. This promises to be a death struggle between two evenly matched teams who know each well after years of inter-divisional battles, so predicting the outcome can be a treacherous affair (i.e. ELVO need not apply). Further, in addition to their rabid fan bases, the Great Wizardo says you should expect to see the AARP on hand, representatives of Geritol to deliver the trophy afterwards (and any assistance to the combatants during the game), more hair on each teams’ backs than their heads, and precious few flat bellies among the crowd. Butch Neal and his “Buxom Bimbos” and Alan Arrington’s “Steel City Pork Peddlers” agreed the loser would buy dinner at Pasquale’s in Gardendale afterward. That being said, the Wizard says the Mayors may need to fleece the overburdened taxpayers of Birmingham ahead of time, and be sure to get enough to tip afro-headed waiter too, because it will be the Cheetahs that add another title to their burgeoning dynasty, or will at least cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Wizards vs. Woosiers

A funny thing happened on the Woosiers seemingly relentless march to the BDFL title. After sitting back with Tommy’s usual Cheshire cat smile in place, confident that Vick would deliver more late game heroics, the “Blew Crew” promptly stumbled and fell after even the dynamic Vick could not overcome and otherwise pedestrian team. The Great Wizardo warned all year that the Woosiers were little more than a tricked up “One Trick Pony”, but it wasn’t until crunch time that his prediction finally came true. The moral of the story, of course, is to NEVER DOUBT THE BIG DOG! Fortunately for the Woosiers, they should find some small consolation this Sunday against the “Hurlin’ Merlins”, a team that never should have been in the semifinals before promptly proving it with a “toilet seat” worthy performance last week. The Cheetahs were not much better, but they didn’t need to be to overrun the outmanned Wizards. More of the same could be in store this weekend, but it won’t be enough to cover a desperation line from ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

 

Dogs vs. Grenades

As an impressionable, young sorcerer’s apprentice, the Great Wizardo, probably in the 8th grade at the time, witnessed a conversation between Tim Williams, who was nearing the apex of his brief tenure of “coolness”, and a senior that the Wizard remembers as possibly being Ernie Brown. While it’s certainly possible, even likely, that it was someone other than Brown, the young and equally as impressionable Wizard often equated all that was cool to Ernie Brown, and often substituted him for anything cool done by an upperclassmen during his formative years. The Wizard figured if Ernie Brown didn’t do or say it, he would have had he been present. Regardless, Tim asked Brown where he was planning to go that night. When Brown said he wasn’t sure, Tim asked if he was going up to Pasquale’s, with a heavy emphasis on the first syllable that duly impressed the Wizard. Brown again said he wasn’t sure, he just knew he was going “out on the town” at which time the Wizard equated anything of value as happening at Pasquale’s, and that he would have reached the pinnacle of his life when he was finally old enough to hang out there at least once. At the time the Wizard thought that was a reasonable goal to aim at during his life, but now he’s not so sure.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Fighting Slovaks vs. Juggernauts

In a sad tale of two cities, Adam Slovensky’s “Helena Heathens” square off against Allyson Edwards and her “Bra Burning Rice Rockets” for last place in the championship series. Less than two weeks ago these two teams were hoping to shatter barriers, Allyson the “glass ceiling” against females and the Slovaks for the many wretched performances they have turned in over the years, but have now resorted to desperately trying to scratch out a win to salvage a measure of pride. After turning in a pair of particularly wretched performances of her own in the in the first two rounds, Allyson is well overdue for a shot at redemption. Meanwhile, the Slovaks appeared to get a bit wobbly when they realized the heights they attained in advancing to the play offs before remembering they were the Slovaks, and promptly tumbling down the hill like Jack & Jill. The Great Wizardo doesn’t expect the Slovaks to put up much of a fight before retiring to the first tavern with a beer ‘n a burger, leaving the Nauts to sweep the field.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Wildcats vs. Sloth Monsters

In his formative years, Jaimie Hand mentioned a conversation he witnessed at GHS between Ernie Brown and an as yet unidentified GHS upperclassmen. Brown, who Jaimie and the young and impressionable Wizard considered the epitome of cool, and his fellow upperclassman were joking with each other when Brown responded to a jest by exclaiming “Kiss my @$$!”, to which his friend replied “Under which eye?”, after which the never to be out done Brown immediately responded by dropping his shorts and mooning his friend while saying “Under this brown eye!” Needless to say, Jaimie was thoroughly impressed with the Wizard being equally as impressed upon later hearing the exchange. Naturally, Jamie and the Wizard fully expected Ernie Brown’s picture to be directly beside the word “cool” in the dictionary, and that their life’s ambition would be a single Friday night hanging out with Ernie Brown at Pasquale’s. At the time it seemed a completely unrealistic goal to ever hope to attain. Now Jaimie and the Wizard aren’t quite so certain.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters. 

 

Gamblers vs. Wooden Warriors

Despite maintaining their status as the league’s hottest team with a 35 point barrage last Sunday, Jaimie Hand and the “Splendid Splinters” will not even have a BMS title as consolation after watching the Sloth Monsters knock them off behind an amazing 20 point performance by Raider kicker Sebastian JaniKookie. Still, the Wooden Warriors would still like to build momentum for 2011 by handing Kenny Breal and the “Bayou Big Easies” on the year’s final weekend. The Gamblers parlayed their love of fellow Mississippian Brett Favre, who had a magical 2009 campaign, into a disastrous hand this year that have had them sprinting from the table when the dealing was done, and usually about three steps ahead of his fellow players that were looking for him to pay up. Between being banged up most of the year, having his consecutive games started streak snapped, looking every day of his 41 years, getting busted for sending provocative text messages to someone young enough to be his daughter, allegedly snapping photos of his privates for the erstwhile maiden’s viewing pleasure, and milking every opportunity for as much publicity as humanly possible, the Favre “gravy train” finally came to a crunching halt this season, leaving any hopes the Gamblers had of making a play off run in tatters. The Great Wizardo likes the Warriors here, but says they might have run out of gas too soon to close the deal, or at least cover the ample spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

 

Bootleggers vs. Bullets

If this were a court case, Jon Wood and his “Tire Totin’ Attorneys” would have been fined or tossed in jail for contempt of court after disappearing from the radar early in the season. Already under close scrutiny by the league office for lack of participation, the Bootleggers need to show some signs of life to avoid having their franchise snatched away. Further, the Bootleggers have been little more than a punching bag for the rest of the BDFL all season, and to add insult to injury a mere punch line as well, and the Great Wizardo sees absolutely nothing that would lead him to believe it will be any different when the Bootleggers face the “Benton Red Tape Rebels” in a game of dubious distinction. The Bullets are in Orlando to ring in the New Year with St. Nick and the Crimson Tide, and have every intention of mailing it in for Sunday’s match up. Fortunately for the Bullets, they could mail, overnight, smoke signal, send by carrier pigeon, or via a message in a bottle their performance and it would likely be more than enough to overwhelm the underwhelming Bootleggers. Even a hefty 5.5 points issn’t enough to scare off the Great Wizardo from siding with the Bullets.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

 

PowerSleds vs. Blitz

Even as the Greybeards lift their glasses in a toast to crowning yet another BDFL champion from within their hallowed ranks, they also face the prospect of having matching bookends as Jack Barnes and his “Tender Hammed Mean Machine” try to avoid finishing dead last in the BDFL, a sobering feat for a charter franchise with a pair of BDFL titles to its credit. The Great Wizardo saw this train wreck coming in September and says he hasn’t seen anything go down in flames to this degree since the Hindenburg. The Sleds have been so inept that the Wizard doubts they are doing much better in their “Friday night league” at Green Springs where in the past the Sleds hammered towering home runs with ridiculous ease, home runs that turned into little more than cans of corn every other night of the week. Facing Jack for this infamous prize is Jerry Fritz and the “T-Town Tusk Toters”, who have discovered climbing the BDFL hierarchy a bit more difficult to navigate than they first expected. With no quarterback in their line up over the past several weeks, the Blitz have been easy pickins’ for most BDFL teams as their rapid descent to the bottom of the BDFL peckin’ order readily attests. Still, it’s possible the Blitz could roll out a bowl of ice cold grits and still heat up the woeful Sleds. ELVO likes his fellow Greybread Division compatriot to avoid disgracing his fellow divisional comrades, but the Wizard says that is little more than wishful thinking.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.