Fighting Slovaks vs. Bullets

While you can smell the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road in Benton, AL after the Bullets slid under .500 for the year, they’re poppin’ champagne corks, more likely malt liquor, in Helena where the 15th ranked “Helena Hip Hop Hoods” went over that same .500 mark. Why is there celebration in the land of the Slovaks you ask? Being above .500 through eleven weeks is cause enough for a celebration for a franchise that has taken BDFL bottom feeding to an art level, but the real reason is if the regular season ended today, the Fighting Slovaks, who stand in last place in the Greenhorn Division, would be dancin’ at the BDFL season ending big bash by virtue of having the only winning record in the division. Meanwhile, Cousin Bullet and the “Lowndes County Trailer Trash” are crackin’ a few Pabst Blue Ribbons down at the local Knights of Columbus lodge trying to find a way to get their season back on track. A slow start followed by a string of vict'ries has now led to another string of defeats that threaten to banish the Bullets to the Big Mullet Series (BMS). The Wizard is not a big fan of the Slovaks, but he’s even less of a fan of the 4.5 points ELVO is layin’ on the Bullets.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

 

Wooden Warriors vs. Sloth Monsters

Slim Dismukes once famously said, as only he could say, after observing a young man trying to grow a mustache (emphasizing the word “trying”), “that boy’s tryin’ to cultivate something under his nose that grows wild in other people’s @$$holes”, which would be a fitting tribute to either Jaimie Hand and the “Wounded Warriors” or Mike Dismukes and his Helena Limb Loafers” after both suffered particularly painful defeats in Week Eleven. The Warriors chances of winning a fantasy football title somewhere besides his “other league” will have to wait another year after his beat down last Sunday doomed him to running afoul of the “Bullet Rule.” Meanwhile, Mike Dismukes put a simply putrid performance that left them with a toilet seat hangin’ around the neck while putting their playoff hopes in serious jeopardy. The Sloth Monsters already have a BDFL title to their credit and have become a consistent force in the BDFL over the years, but face a steep uphill battle if the want a matching pair of championship trophies. The Wooden Warriors are playing the role of a spoiler this week, but will find their plans are likely to be foiled by the Sloths.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Dogs vs. Blitz

The Great Wizardo thinks it is likely Jerry Fritz’s Blitz were raised on a steady diet of milk of magnesia because their performance for most of the year has been about as crappy as you would ever want to see, and an equally poor outing in Week Eleven has almost cemented their status at the bottom of the Yellowhammer Division. Meanwhile, fellow Yellowhammer Mark Burr and the “Coalburg/Brookside Road K-9’s” have been mowing teams down more like AK-47’s than anything else as their lofty standing readily attests to. Intra-league battles are always tricky, which is why only a legendary prognosticator such as the Wizard should attempt such intricate maneuvers, because familiarity breeds contempt, and it is unlikely the Blitz will be all that impressed with their fellow Yellowhammer rivals performance to date. Nevertheless, the Blitz are truly on the fritz, something that will become more apparent when they not only lose, but fail to even cover a more than generous spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Power Sleds vs. Juggernauts

Jack Barnes and the “Chitty Chitty Bang Bangs” have played more like the “$h!))y $h!))y Bang Bangs” in recent weeks, a fall from grace that has their record under the dubious “Bullet Line” plus a point total that ranks amongst the dregs of the BDFL. Unfortunately for Jack, a difficult road to the playoffs just went off course a little further with Allyson Edwards and the “Rice Rockets” waiting to host the Sleds in Lincoln this Sunday afternoon. The Nauts, unlike the Sleds, are locked in a tight battle for Yellowhammer Division supremacy with the Dogs, and sit atop their division by only the slimmest of margins. Because of that, Jack shouldn’t expect Alyson to be resting her starters for the rapidly approaching playoffs, and that spells trouble for the visitors. In the end, ELVO, as is his wont, favors his fellow Graybeard Division foes to a fault and is seeing something in the Sleds that simply does not exist. In the end, the Sleds will find one-eyed Jacks won’t be enough to rake in the pot, or cover the 3.5 points from ELVO, but it will be a lesson learned too late to alter the outcome.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

 

Woosiers vs. Cheetahs

In 2002 the Wizards were in line to capture a BDFL title against the Mayors in the Big Daddy Bowl, a particularly memorable moment because it was also on this day that WARTS was conceived, although in a primitive form, when Mukes and Tommy were updating scores on a continual basis. Although alcohol was involved making the results somewhat dubious, historians will point to that historic day as the birth of WARTS. More importantly, it was the day Michael Vick ripped the heart out of the Wizards’ title aspirations after failing to score after four tries from the one yard line against the a relatively weak Colts’ defense. It was actually Dan Reeves fault for continuously running a 180 pound back, known for his ability to run effectively in space, up the middle that ultimately sealed the Merlin’s fate. However, that storyline does not fit the Great Wizardo’s purposes so he has chosen to exercise his “literary license” to pin the blame on Vick instead, a fate the Wizards may share with Woosiers, who are already making space on their mantle for the 2010 BDFL title.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Wizards vs. Gamblers

A pair of play of contenders, or pretenders as the case may be, are set to battle in New Orleans this Sunday when the “Pasco County Pirate” flotilla hauls anchor and sails across the Gulf of Mexico to take on Kenny Breal’s “French Lick Hicks” in an under-the radar match up that could push one team to the brink, or deal the other one a mortal blow. The Gamblers are already teetering on the brink with seven losses, and must win out to even qualify for the right to be given playoff consideration. The Gamblers also need to pile up some points to impress the pollsters, kind of like the cod lock game of the year (according to Bucket) in 1982 when Bama was supposed to do the same against Temple to impress the bowl scouts. Several current BDFL members fell for that line from Bucket, one of many Bucket was to cast over the years, and suffered because of it after Bama’s uninspiring vict'ry. If the Gamblers have any cards up their collective sleeves, now is the time pull them out although Kenny can likely keep the ace on ice this and still cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

 

Wildcats vs. Mayors

It will be clash of royalty this weekend when the “Rocky Ridge AristoCats” tackle the “Magic City Aristocrats” at a special Turkey Day Classic game at Legion Field this weekend. From India to China to all of Europe, centuries of what amounted to a feudal system was incorporated into each culture where starting with the peasants (who were to the feudal system what krill are to the ocean’s food chain), each level of society was beholden to the next level for their subsistence all the way to the king, which left each level of society at the whim of the one above them. Because of that centuries old tradition, it’s really not that surprising revolts such as the French Revolution broke out and helped foment the seeds of socialism where supposedly all men were equal. After being told for untold generations that it was the divine right of some to govern and possess great, and often unearned, wealth, the common man had finally had enough and threw of his chains in an attempt to govern himself, or herself as the case may be. Our Founding Fathers got it right although many others such as France, and in particular China and Russia, went too far and gave us the disaster that is socialism. When referencing monarchies and the feudal system, the Great Wizardo opined, and only legendary prognosticators should ever attempt to opine, or open anything else for that matter, “determining how far someone is allowed to rise in society based on whose loins they slithered from should be a criminal offense.” As for this royal rumble, the Cats are on a hot tin roof and can’t afford any more slips while the Mayors need to build momentum for the playoffs. As far as the Wizard is concerned, the Mayors won’t cover, but that hardly guarantees the “dubya” the Wildcats desperately need in order to keep a paw in the playoff door.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

 

Grenadiers vs. Bootleggers

After surviving a tumultuous 2009 regular season, suckin’ their guts up, and then promptly marching to their first BDFL title, Chris Hand and the “Battalion Stallions” will get a chance to repeat in the rugged BDFL where the league tends to eat its champions for lunch. Furthermore, Chris has cobbled together a balanced attack that will have considerably more than a little to say about who stands atop the heap after the Big Daddy Bowl. On the other side of the track, is Jon Wood, with his “Cringin’ Engines” in tow (literally), a team that has long since mailed in the regular season and are rumored to have already checked into the Motel No-tell in Gulf Shores in preparation for the Big Mullet Series (BMS). Jon felt good about his big block, black Dodge prior to the draft, but developed a miss in his motor soon after the green flag dropped, a problem that has only gotten worse since then. ELVO is playin’ coy by layin’ a low 3.5 point line on the Grenadiers as the favorite, but probably could have gone considerably higher and still baited the Wizard into biting.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.