Wizards vs. Sloth Monsters

After stunning the highly ranked Juggernauts last week, Merlin was seen dancing around in Pasco County cackling “Winner, winner, chicken dinner” for the better part of Sunday evening, which was a radical departure from making chicken doo doo out of chicken salad, something the Wizards had been doing with alarming regularity throughout the season. While the upset continues to breathe life into their otherwise feeble playoff hopes, the “Wand Wavers” have to come back to earth quickly if they have any hopes of putting a whuppin’ on Mike Dismukes and the “Helena Jolly Green Giants”, who addition to spending “private” time in the corner of a West End High School locker room, have quietly snuck into the playoff mix with plans of adding a second BDFL championship to their trophy collection. A win here pulls the Wizards to within a game of .500 while a Sloth Monster vict'ry would almost seal a division title for Mukes, so the stakes are high for both teams. A relatively even match on paper, but with desperate times calling for desperate measures, ELVO has loaded up on the Wizards, and will pay dearly for it.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Gamblers vs. Grenadiers

Kenny Breal’s father was a gambler down in Georgia back in the day, and wound up on the wrong end of gun leaving Kenny to make his grand entrance in the backseat of Greyhound rollin’ down Highway 41. However, such a dramatic beginning did little to hamper Kenny and his “Delta Dawns” from claiming a pair of BDFL titles, but in recent years the Gamblers have been buffeted about the standings like a kite in a hurricane. And not much has changed this season as a .400 record and a middle-of-the-road point total attest to after Week Ten. Still, the Gamblers are coming off a dominating performance last week, and will need to crank their tractors again in Week Eleven if they have any chance to come away from Bryant-Denny-Saban Stadium with their already tattered playoff hopes still in tact when they face Iron Hand’s “Pistol Packin’ Pachyderms” Sunday evening. The Gambino family hasn’t had much luck with firearms in the past, and the Great Wizardo says that luck is not likely to change in time for their Week Eleven appointment with the Grenadiers.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

 

Power Sleds vs. Bootleggers

Jon Wood and his “Bristol Bible Thumpers” may have strayed up north to Canton from their hillbilly roots, but they can still hurl down fire ‘n brimstone from the pulpit at the 1st Primitive Baptist Church in the Tennessee backwoods with the best of ‘em if the need arises, and the need has certainly arisen after the Bootleggers became the first team to get their ticket punched for a date in Gulf Shores tossin’ cloudy-eyed mullets after being formally eliminated from championship contention. Of course, the Great Wizardo says the Bootleggers could have beaten the Christmas rush, which starts a little before Halloween at Wal-Mart, and made their reservations in September because he had long since predicted their date with destiny. On the other side are Jack Barnes and the “West Jefferson Wacky Racers”, a bunch that needs to dial it up a few notches if they hold any playoff aspirations. The Great Wizardo says things have gone downhill for the Sleds faster than the Hindenburg, and the Wizard says the Sleds season will likely share the same fate.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

 

Cheetahs vs. Blitz

The “North Shebby Sin Wagon” will come to a stop in Tuscaloosa this weekend where the Cheetahs will face off against Jerry Fritz and his “Big Pharma Elephants”, the first game of a Sunday double header at Bryant-Denny-Saban Stadium, soon to be renamed Saban-Bryant-Denny Stadium, and the stakes couldn’t be any higher for both. Sporting a .500 but with a weak point total that has them at the bottom of the Yellowhammer Division, the Blitz have to bank on sneaking into the backdoor of the playoffs on their record alone, something that will not be easy to do against Butch’s “Mattress Dancers” who know all too well when someone is trying to sneak in their backdoor, or any other door for that matter. That being said, the Cheetahs are coming off a stinging defeat that left them with a .500 record as well meaning the winner leaves with a plausible chance of dancin’ in January while the loser will be pushed that much closer to the brink. However, the Wizard says in the end it will be a happy hayride back to Riverchase for the Cheetahs, and that the wagon will be rockin’ the whole way home.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Dogs vs. Wildcats

Jerry James and his “Feline Fang Gang” are resting comfortably at the bottom of the Yellowhammer Division while being ranked 16th out of 17 teams in points while sporting a shoddy .400 winning record as well. After scrutinizing his roster, the Great Wizardo came to the conclusion, which must be correct since it came from the Wizard, Jerry should have used his trademark “Just Say No” slogan to his entire team. Nevertheless, their opponents, the “Brookside BlunderDogs” are locked in a tight race for the Yellowhammer crown, and need but a single vict'ry to qualify as playoff eligible. Brookside is known for having the only Russian Orthodox Church in the United States, a fact that is somewhat difficult to believe, yet true. What won’t be nearly as difficult to believe is that the Dogs will hound the Cats all afternoon on Sunday while covering the hefty 6.5 point spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Mayors vs. Fighting Slovaks

Alan Arrington and the “Royal Boils” have hardly been painful to watch despite a vict'ry in Week Ten that was so ugly only a mother could have loved it. Nevertheless, the Mayors are in the thick of the Graybeard Division title hunt, and have been patiently waiting for the Grenadiers to get loose in a corner and ride just far enough up the track for the Mayors to make the pass for position. However, the Wizard sees more baby kissing and glad handing from the Mayors than actual policy making decisions forcing him to view the Mayors as more of a pretender than a contender, something ELVO seems to agree with wholeheartedly by the lowly Slovaks a mere 1.5 point dog. Nevertheless, ELVO, for once, is on target with his line, but will find he cut things a little too close for comfort, and is giving the Slovaks, as hard as that may be to fathom, too much credit.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

 

Juggernauts vs. Wooden Warriors

It’s the Juggernauts versus the Piney Knots on Sunday afternoon when Allyson Edwards brings the “Jug Town Jubilee” to the reservation to serve up some of their three part harmony, which has been pitch perfect much of the year. Nevertheless, you don’t show up at Black Crick Park for a weekend two ‘n cue softball tournament unless your Tahiti Red Dots have been microwaved to the consistency of brick, and you have a “two out” ballclub in tow. Fortunately for the Juggernauts, they’re good to go on both accounts. Roughly fifty plus years ago Shug Jordan, who would go on to fame as the Auburn’s head football coach, coached the men’s basketball team in what even then was an ancient field house complete with a wooden floor, so old it had a number of dead spots where the ball would hardly bounce at all. Rather than replace the floor, Coach Jordan had his players try and steer their opponents to these dead spots in an effort to steal the ball when it unexpectedly, at least to the unknowing opponent, barely bounced after striking the floor. To the Wizard’s knowledge that same floor was still in place when the field house infamously went up like a Roman candle during a night home football game against LSU, an inferno that could be seen leaping above the stadium at its height. The point, if the Wizard can still remember that far back, is sometimes you have to turn your weaknesses into strengths, something the Wooden Warriors will do on Sunday at warning track length Black Crick Park.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

 

Woosiers vs. Bullets

Being a legendary prognosticator as the Great Wizardo clearly is requires a great deal of time and effort although the Wiley Wizard makes it look obscenely easy. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for the folks at home to attempt to replicate the prognosticatorial excellence that is the Wizard, a dangerous attempt that often leads to disastrous results. Exhibit A is ELVO, the Vegas wannabe that is trying desperately to fill the large shoes of the legendary Wizard. Case in point, Tommy Todd’s “Smoke Rise Hayseeds” are a legitimate title contender, perhaps even the clear favorite at this point while the “Lounge County Loafers” have, under cover of darkness, crept back into the playoff picture after a horrid start to the season. Prognosticating 101 dictates such a match-up would deserve a relatively tight spread yet ELVO, in a vain attempt to keep pace with the legendary Wizard, has chosen to lay a very hefty 7.5 points on the Woosiers, a move largely driven by desperation plus Michael Vick’s superb Monday night performance. The problem is ELVO is buying the stock when its price is peaking, and will now have to watch as it begins to tumble back to reality, with his POTY hopes firmly in tow.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.