The Bulletin

Week 12: The Dirty Dozen: Fiction's most famous commando raid 

The Dirty Dozen – Best Fictional War Movie Ever:

The Bulletin kicks off Week 12 by naming the best fictional war movie of all time: The Dirty Dozen (1967). If you’ve never seen it, well, we can’t really help you. It’s available in multiple places, so go see it. (Some spoiler alerts, so skip to the first game recap, if you so choose.) At the bottom of this edition, The Bulletin lists a dozen actors from the movie (although they are not “all” part of the actual “dirty dozen,” group of prisoners that become commandos.) The lists also include the name of the fictional character they played in the movie. As a bonus, the lists also include 1960, 1970, and 1980 folks from in – and around – Gardendale, Alabama, that could have easily been “fictional characters,” but were actually REAL PEOPLE. They were and are real people with stories, caricatures, biographies that sound more like fiction that fact, but upon review are actually true. Check it out at the bottom following this week’s game recaps.  

Bullets Ruin Prewitt Party:

Dozen, twelve, and in Spanish, doce – Week 12 in the Big Daddy Football League began with the Armadillo Armada descending on T-Town for a weekend of revelry leading up to the Bama vs. Eastern Illinois game on Saturday, and the Duncanville Armadillos taking on the Benton Bullets in a pre-arranged “neutral site” game near Harry’s Bar in Tuscaloosa, on Sunday. K.P. & Company had a blast visiting the Hand’s in the Presidential neighborhood, hanging out with the patriarch Donald Hand on the Quad, stopping in on the Vulcan Material tailgate tent, and posing for photos with the Net Crew at Bryant-Denny Stadium. All of it went great for the Armada. All of it went great – that is – until Sunday. That was the day the Armadillos met the Benton Bullets. It was a bad day to play the Boys from Benton, because the Bullerino’s team scored more points than they had all season, and the Bullets defeated the ‘Dillos, 39-27, almost by a dozen points.  

‘Nauts Launch Commando Raid to Beat daBlitz:

The Jugtown Juggernauts must have seen the Dirty Dozen multiple times. Because the ‘Nauts trained, practiced, rehearsed, and memorized their roles completely, and then carried them out completely in BDFL action in Week 12 (dedicated to the action-adventure movie). Allyson’s coordinated commando raid also took place in T-Town, as they pulled an unsuspected attack on the Druid City Blitz. The ‘Nauts overtook the Gritz Blitz’s defacto fortified Chateau, and laid down a base of fire, snuck in the windows, and came away with a 44-27 BDFL vict’ry.  

Behind Enemy Lines – BioCats Escape Brookside with a “W”:

The Western Hills Wildcats pulled off a caper that would have made the writers of the Dirty Dozen proud. The “James Gang” got in and out of Brookside, alive, with a win, and with all of their equipment intact. The Biocats mission behind enemy lines went close enough to script. They did have to trap the Brookside Dogs in one of the underground storm cellars/bunkers, and douse ‘em with gasoline, and toss in some grenades, but the ‘Cats did get away clean with a 38-20 vict’ry in BDFL action. No one from either side was injured in the filming reenactment for the game, and the producers, distributors, and critics were all pleased with the final production.  

Cheetahs Gun Down Cronies:

The Sin Wagon rolled out of the Magic City over the narrow bridges with guns blaring as they gave their all to pick up a Week 12 win over the Mayors. The Southside Cheetahs took on some casualties, overcame some logistical problems, and battled through some injuries to get a hard-fought, 37-29 vict’ry against the over-confident Cronies. In the end, the Mayors could not defend their home at Legion Field, and they fell victim to Butch’s carefully orchestrated search and destroy mission. The Cheetahs didn’t do much celebrating, because they knew this was just one of many battles needed to win the war for the Grand Daddy Trophy, which comes with capturing the Big Daddy Championship Series culminating with the Big Daddy Bowl.  

Bellcows Parachute into Red Neck Riveria – Surprise Gamblers with A.W.:

Cows on parachutes, yes, cows on parachutes glided down on to the beaches of the Gulf Coast, and pulled a surprise attack on the Dixie Mafia. It was a rout. It was a one-sided affair. It was an A.W., as the Fieldstown Bellcows clobbered the Gulf Coast Gamblers, 24-2. The Bellheads skipped the “escape” part of the movie, and went into the casinos to celebrate their vict’ry. As for the Dixie Mafia, they also took home a prize too. Kenny Breal accepted the Week 12, BDFL, “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” award.  

Sleds Gun Down Grenadiers in A.W. Fashion:

In Week 12 in the BDFL, the Fairfield PowerSleds put an A.W. on the Mineral Springs Grenadiers that may go down in hist’ry as one of the worst whippings in fantasy football. The Sleds won by 34-points, and held the Commissioner’s team to just 3-points. There is no way you could make a movie out of this so-called game. The losers didn’t put up any sort of fight. Maybe a good producer at 98-Films could turn it into some sort of documentary, or a dungeon, grunge, heavy metal rock band outta Nashville (My Wall) could make it into a Rock Song, with a very un-happy ending for the home team.  

Vulcans Victimized by Sloths:

Three teams in the BDFL scored in single-digits in Week 12 in the BDFL, and all three were slaughtered. Above, it was chronicled that the Gamblers and Grenadiers tasted some hot lead and A.W.’s. In this game summary, the North Birmingham Vulcans only scored 9-points, but they were destroyed by the Sloth Monsters 29-9. However, it was not an A.W. It fell one point short. In defeat, the young but naïve Vulcans were gracious and took the loss with their heads held high over the scenic scene atop Red Mountain.  

Best for Last – F’birds Beat Bandits in OT:

The best picture category this week goes to the last game featured in this week’s edition of The Bulletin. The Atladena Bandits were looking for a pardon for a last-place season. They were selected for a suicide mission. The Bandits trained at a clandestine location for six weeks without proper hygiene and shaving equipment. They quickly became dirty and unshaven. Old Barry’s team learned how to be a team, how to repel, how to climb a rope, and hand-to-hand combat. They disguised themselves as an upper-echelon fantasy football team and ventured behind enemy lines in Fultondale to battle the Freebirds. The Bandits overcame losing people on the jump, a traitor amongst them, and a strange language and an overwhelming number of enemy F’birds blasting Southern Rock. The Bandits improved, adapted, and overcame to pull off a successful mission, except when they were leaving the scene the Freebirds threw one last barrage of bullets that stopped the Black Trans Am’s in their tracks. It was a tie. Then, in the BDFL overtime rules, the Freebirds got the vict’ry over the Bandits. All Barry could do was watch the credits roll from the hospital and think about what could have been.  

“It’s all about the kids.” - Week 12 in the JrBDFL:

The Net Boy – Matthew Hand – Commissioner of the JrBDFL celebrated Senior Day at Bryant-Denny Stadium with his last regular season game of his career. Then, on Sunday (and Monday Night) his Selma Southpaws kept their winning streak alive by defeating his brother Milton (Lowndes County Labs) in JrBDFL action. The Bulletin was unable to obtain any additional information in regards to the Junior League, but is warning readers there could be a full report sometime after Thanksgiving.  

The Dirty Dozen Cast Call – Gardendale Almost Fictional Characters:

Aight, the Dirty Dozen is beyond a great movie. So, below is a list of 12-actors in the motion picture. They are not necessarily the “twelve” prisoners that make up the combat group, but The Bulletin’s list of the most important actors/characters in the film. The Bulletin’s research also found a Dozen Dudes from the Gardendale past that would make outstanding fictional characters. The scary thing is… they were real… they are real.