The Bulletin

Jerome "Bullet" Hand when he was a member of the "Death Squad" at Gardendale High School

"Tell Me" - D.K. Characters

This week’s The Bulletin pays tribute to the characters that Chris, Jerome and Jaimie were subjected to, and/or entertained by, or just had the honor, or privilege, or burden of hearing stories about. The list is characters associated with the life and times of Donald K. Hand, aka, D.K., Papa, Mr. Hand, or Handy Man. The Bulletin makes no claims that any of the caricatures are true, however, it is stuff we saw, or heard second-hand, the stuff of legend.

“Tell Me” – Cisco (The Story):

According to Legend, Jaimie was riding to Legion Field with Papa and Cisco while Cisco was driving. They were going through all sorts of shortcuts. (We never, ever went down I-65, to I-59 to Legion Field with our Dad – never). They got close to the venerable, old, stadium in the rundown neighborhood and were apparently cutting through a parking lot. Handy Man said, “This doesn’t connect.” Within seconds…They turned a corner and there was a road out and it did connect to another road. “Tell me!” is all that Cisco said.

Mayors Put A.W. on Dogs:

Only one A.W. was tabulated in Week 5 in BDFL action. The Magic City Mayors said, “Tell Me,” and then put it on the Brookside Dogs. Mr. Mark Burr wanted a recount to double-check if it was actually an A.W. The @$$ points system completed a re-count and found that the Cronies topped Mark’s Mutts by the final score of 60-38, which works out to 22-points, thereby qualifying as an A.W. The Mayors celebrated not only the vict’ry, but the highest point total of the week in the league.

“My wife has a drinking problem… me”

Cisco was D.K.’s trucking buddy and still goes to the Eagles and American Legion. He showed up at our house with a hat that said, “My wife has a drinking problem…Me.” Of course, it was a classic, high, truckers hat. He once asked his son to join the Fraternal Order of Eagles. His son, replied, “They ain’t nothing but a bunch of drunks.” Cisco replied, “What do you think I am?”

Bullet Dodges Bullets – Beat the Bandits by Two:

“It was really hard to keep a straight face when I saw Cisco’s hat,” said Bullet years later. “It was really one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. I guess we lived a sheltered life, or didn’t really SEE Cisco that much. We just heard the stories.” The Benton Bullets actually were able to laugh late Monday Night when they realized they had escaped Week 5 with a two-point win over the Altadena Bandits. Bullet deserved the “Bonehead Award” for sitting his number one draft choice (Josh Allen) in favor of Mac Jones. The move cost the Bullerino 15-points, but the Dreaded Schedule Maker (DSM) helped out the Bullets, by matching them with the woeful Bandits (who once saw ‘Naut – see below – witness his wife turning into Mike’s Handy Mart by running over a 6-foot-wide, median/curb, in their Gran Torino. Naut yelled multiple curse words at his spouse – Old Barry was quite entertained. He said to the Hand Brothers, “Hey, I saw your cousin today…”).

Cisco – Never Missed a Gear (Whatever):

Cisco is on record as saying that he never missed a gear. According to hearsay mainly on the CB radio, the truckers were discussing various tough-driving situations, prompting Cisco to say, “I never missed a gear.” So, apparently in 40-years of driving an 18-wheeler, it never happened. When they would call Cisco on something, and finally prove beyond all doubt that Cisco was wrong about something, or anything, Cisco’s reply was always, “Whatever.”

Mean Machine in High Gear – Trounces Blitz:

The Fairfield PowerSleds continue to flex their muscles in 2021. This weekend, the Mean Machine was in high gear and routed the Druid City Blitz in a game that was never close. The final score was Sleds 34, Gritz Blitz 17.

Moose Teer:

Occassionally, when driving or showing Chris, Jerome, and Jaimie how to drive, Papa would stick his elbows way out while holding the steering wheel with two hands. This technique has been at least been passed down to Matthew and Milton, and I’m pretty sure Chris and Jaimie have told their kids. It’s called “Moose Teer,” named after one of Dad’s high school friends – no other details come to mind – except the other Moose Teer story, which is funnier. So, according to legend, Moose Teer was driving like this one night on Southside with the windows rolled up to act like they ha an air conditioned car. Moose forgot the windows were up and harked up a big oyster… and spit hard! Right into the window! (you can’t make this stuff up).

BDFL Quote of the Year (so far) – From Mukes in Defeat:

Mukes: “Once again, the Sloths are off to a slow start but with the BDFL leadership’s permission we are having Lane Kiffin and Urban Myer come in and talk with our team. Yes, there will be popcorn and dancing for all.” Mukes really has nothing to be ashamed about. His Sloths scored 44-points in Week 5. The problem for the Three Toed Tree Dwellers (other than not having thumbs), was they were matched up against the Western Hills Wildcats, who went off and scored a double-nickel, 55-points. The “James Gang” was all smiles after the contest (imagine that). Note: The Bulletin could certainly include Mukes’ Dad in this cast of characters edition. Mr. Slim always had just the right thing to say to sum up a situation, lighten the mood, or put somebody in their place. In our circle, he made “Hit the egg,” and “A beer and a burger,” household phrases.

Big Al – the Original:

Donald Hand’s best man was Larry Alford, the original Big Al. He was around a lot when we were kids and at the time he didn’t have kids. (He and his wife later had a son, he’s a doctor now, Dr. Doug Alford.) Big Al always had a story ready and a line to fit every occasion. His best one was, “Don’t worry about it.” He said it all the time. “We don’t have any gasoline,” someone would say. Big Al responded, “Don’t worry about it.” No money, no tools, no answer to help escape a tough situation, “Don’t worry about it.” He’d walk in to Krystal’s Hamburgers, and before he could even get to the counter or anyone would greet him, ol’ Big Al would say…“We’ll take 50 Krysals.” Anyone hungry or in a bind, he'd say, “Let’s get 50 Krysals.”

Armadillos Upset Bellcows:

Belrose went to Texas and came up empty twice. First of all, he let the Tide tumble. Secondly, he lost as favorites to the only BDFL team from Texas, the Duncanville Armadillos, 30-27. Now, the ‘Dillos’ defeat of the Bell Heads might have been a fluke, but K.P. & Company do not plan to give it back. Belrose plans to go to StarkVegas to regroup.

Mouse and D.K. – Bryant Hall:

Not many people can say they spent the night in Bryant Hall together, or in a honeysuckle patch together. According to legend, Mouse Burkett and Donald Hand did. Many of you know Mouse (Bucket’s dad). The story is that on one occasion (The Bulletin thinks the night before a Bama game, when the team is at a hotel) Mouse and Mr. Hand stayed in Bucket’s room at Bryant Hall.

Mouse and D.K. – Honeysuckle Patch:

Before 1981 there were no places to have a beer in Gardendale. But, just north of town there were some “beer joints.” According to legend, after one late night (apparently very late), the “law,” or a policeman in a patrol car was sitting down the road, blocking Mouse and D.K.’s exit – or sure to give them a DWI (back in those days it was a DWI – drinking while intoxicated – not DUI). But, our two revelers were tired. “We could probably sleep in those honeysuckles,” one said to the other. So, they did. They woke up in the morning and drove home safely.

Freebirds Fly High to Burst Bishop’s Bubble:

Another upset took place on the hard-scrabble fields of Fultondale. “Jamin’ Jaimie Hand” welcomed the Mt. High Blue Deacons to the place formerly known as the Black Creek Reservation, and managed to sting the Bishops, capture a BDFL vict’ry, and toss Anthony into the honeysuckle, or briar patch. The Freebirds defeated the Hayden District Bishop Squad (HDBS) by the score of 35-24, in a game that pundits report was exactly the same as the final score indicated.

Uncle Ray and Charlie T. and Mr. Albert:

Other than Mouse, there were lots of ballpark Dads. More than are mentioned here and all with different personalities and mannerisms and sayings and stories. Uncle Ray Fields makes the list as Mr. Mark Burr’s uncle and Paul Fields dad. He would stand on the sidelines in the Metro football games and yell, “Tighten up, there’s gonna be a layoff.” To this day nobody knows what it means. Mr. Albert (Albert Sr. – Albert Reeves’ dad) would work the press box with his Mtn. Pew or Dr. Popper “covers” over his gold-topped Miller High Life cans. Soft-spoken Mr. Charlie Tumlin was always around and always at the Alabama games. When Uncle Ray’s son, Randall (Dooley) called him Charlie to his face, Uncle Ray, fussed at him. “You call him Mister.” So, Randall said, “Hey, Mr. Charlie…”

Gamblers Gut Grenades, er Grenadiers:

The Commissioner had to “pay up” to the Gamblers following Week Five action in the NFL and BDFL.

Don Satcher and Bobby Maldonado (nephews):

Don Satcher and Bobby Maldonado (the original ‘Naut) were about Papa’s age, but were his nephews, cousins to Chris, Jerome, and Jaimie. Satcher always – I mean – always had an opinion (and still does) on every subject known to man, especially sports and Alabama football. The Bulletin isn’t saying he was right or wrong, but he was definitely the first “conspiracy theorist,” we encountered. Cousin Bobby was shot in Vietnam, and lived in the old house next to us, and booked bets. Dad hated paying. In those days, and probably still today, “pay on Tuesday,” (after Monday Night Football), and “collect on Monday.” We bet tiny amounts. If you won, he had to come to the house (hat in hand) and pay you your money (on Tuesday). If you lost… you had to make the long walk (75 yards) in shame… to pay. Papa would sometimes send one of us. The money didn’t matter. It was, "Did you win or did you lose". Did you know more than the oddsmakers and you could prove it.

BDFL’s Nauts Lose to Cheetahs, Who Remain Undefeated at 5-0:

The Nauts in the BDFL became the 5th victim in five weeks to fall to defeat at the claws of the Southside Cheetahs. The Jugtown Juggernauts thought they could “pull off an A&M,” and upset the mighty and undefeated Cheetahs. However, Allyson’s plan fell apart behind bad play-calling, poor execution, special teams miscues, missed tackles, and botched red-zone opportunities. Meanwhile, the Sin Wagon keeps rolling downhill. Butch and his felines have not always looked sharp in 2021, but they’ve managed to walk away from every game with a win. And, in the end of the day, at the zenith, at the time where it’s time to put up or shut up… that’s the only thing that matters (other than free beer), did you get the “W,” yes or no. For the Cheetahs, they can say yes with five big wins against zero loses. (Good: that ought to jinx him, aight).

Other characters we didn’t get to:

Mule Moore, Bussy Jarvis, Diesel Dog, Pillsbury, Number One (Bryan Estis), Danny Boy, Sonny Boy, Ray Trotter and Barney Trammell.

Week Five in the Jr BDFL - “It’s all about the kids.”

In Week Five of the JrBDFL, all the Hand Kids of Benton (even though one is off at college) won their games this past weekend in the Junior League. In other news, Briarwood finally lost a game (to Mountain Brook) and Morgan Academy defeated Bessemer Academy 21-20, for their first win over the Rebels since 2009.

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