The Bulletin

From underneath a rock in Media Void

Living under a rock - Means being oblivious, or ignorant, to what happens in the outside world. It is used to describe a person who doesn’t know something that any “normal” human being is supposed to know, usually in relation to recent events.

Media Void - A ficticious city in a ficticious country which is free from all types of media and information. Where everybody in the city/state wanders aimlessly around uninformed about everything from the news, to weather, to sports and politics.

Week 1 - Bye and bye baby, it's been sweet love...

Cuz I'm as free as a bird now...and this bird you'll never change...whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...and this bird you cannot change...Lord knows I can't change...Lord help me I can't change...

Fabulous Freebirds Plow Past PowerSleds in Fairfield:

In Week One’s other A.W., the newly re-named Black Creek Freebirds flew to Fairfield and dropped an A.W. on the once-proud Powersleds, 43-17. This game was marked by penalties, missed tackles, dropped passes, arm grabbing, tiddy bumping, and looking for a place to fall down. However, what it also featured was red-blooded, blue-collar, hard-working, back-slapping, patriotic, hard-nosed, play-til-the-whistle, old-school hustle. Jack was pissed off to lose. “I got killed he said. Meanwhile, Jaimie was pleased with the vict’ry and looking forward to getting out of Fairfield. Jaimie said, “I must be traveling onward.”

‘Nauts Defend Turf:

We now live in a world where a woman is champion of the Big Daddy Football League. And, apparently… we better get used to it. The Jugtown Juggernauts show no signs (Suffrage, ERA, Equal Pay, etc.) of letting up on the guys in 2017. After capturing her first championship last season, you can tell, Allyson likes frolicking around with the Grand Daddy Trophy, and does not want to give it up. “You boys can have it,” she said, “When you pry it from my cold, dead, fingers.” To start 2017, A.E.’s super-charged ‘Nauts held home turf in Ed Bruce Rocket Stadium by fending off the Duncanville Armadillos, 33-31, in a game that was exactly as close as the score indicated. So, look out for the ‘Nauts again this season.

Blitz Hammers Gamblers in Separated at Birth Bowl:

We’ve called it this before, way back in 2011, to be exact, that Kenny Breal and Jerry Fritz musta been “separated at birth.” The new conspiracy theory is now that they may in fact be the same person. Have you ever seen ‘em in the same room, at the same time. Running with this theory, one may in fact let the other win, just to pad his stats, and enable him a better chance to ascend to the BDFL throne (and we’re not talking about one of the nine bathrooms at the Dog House). In Week One, the Druid City Blitz put a thorough A.W. on the Gulf Coast Gamblers in a game that was never close. In fact, after the coin flip, the scoreboard already read, 20-0. It was lights out for Kenny B. and “sidelines and headlines” for the Fritz Gritz Blitz, which hopes to follow Allyson out of the grips of the Null Set Club.

Dogs Defeated by Woosiers to Debut New Season:

The founding and still presiding member of the Null Set Club, Mr. Mark Burr, continues to chase an elusive goal that has driven him since 1995, and that’s a burning desire to win the BDFL. Dog’s losing streak is so long, it’s starting to be counted in decades instead of years. And this year, did not start out well for the Brookside Dogs. Mark’s Mutts were taken to the “pain cave” by the Smoke Rise Woosiers, 30-25. “At least I’m up for the BDFL Spirit Award,” said a demoralized Dog late Sunday night, driving over the crooked bridge, back across the wrong side of the tracks, to his old Brookside home.

Mayors Whip Wizards:

The Magic City Mayors got off on the good foot in Week One by slaying the Pasco County Wizards, 31-21. The Mayor enjoyed the vict’ry at the famed Legion Field, and spent a large numbers of hours celebrating at the Tide and Tiger afterwards. Painstakingly, Parks left the Old Gray Lady as a loser once again.

Cheetahs Overwhelm Slovaks by Twenty:

As best we could tell, Parks, Alan, Adam, and Butch all ended up over on Valleydale Avenue late Sunday evening, apparently watching the final scores come in on the first week of action in the BDFL. Either that, or watching the latest “roll call" at Sammy's. The Losers (Parks and Adam) didn’t seem that sad, but were reportedly running low on $1 bills. The winner from Sunday, the Mayor and the Cheetah-Man both seemed quite pleased with their week one performances. The Southside Cheetahs made easy work against the Slovaks, dropping Adam by 20, and then moving on to the important work.

Commish Wins 2017 Debut:

Iron Hand can credit himself (as the evil schedule maker) for matching the Grenadiers up with the Sloth Monters in Week One. The Commish scored enough to lose to half of the rank-and-file BDFL teams, but was fortunate enough to be matched up against Mukes, and therefore, scored a 23-12 vict’ry over the Three Toed Tree Dwellers.

Hands Stay Undefeated in Week One, as Bullets Win:

Hand patriarch Donald K. Hand would be proud of his boys in Week One, but more importantly, (in the old days) would not have to make the walk out to Naut’s on Tuesday to pay, but await payment on Wednesday from the Bookie. You see, in the “old days,” it was “pay on Tuesday, collect on Wednesday.” So, Papa (aka D.K.) would allow the Hand Boys to select a parlay, or two. D.K.’s only goal wasn’t to win a lot of money, but not to have to pay ANY money. As long as Naut (the Bookie in this tale) would come to visit, D.K., that was payment enough. It’s pretty old-school, I’ll give you that. At any rate, Bullet beat the James Gang, 21-17, in Week One, so all the Hand Boys got a “W” to start the season, and that’s good enough for D.K.

“It’s all about the kids.”

In the first week of the third year of the Jr. BDFL, the Grizzly Burrs came out of The Moss Rock Preserve roaring. Jacob Burr’s team clobbered the Winston County Walkers, 56-34. However, the Walkers can take comfort that they had the fifth highest point total in a “Total Points” league. In other action, the Hooks & Lures “reeled in” the Selma Southpaws, 46-32, and the Onion Turtles (last year’s Jr. BDFL Champions) got off to a fast start by pounding the Future Slovaks of America by the final score of 41-15.