PowerSleds (-8.5) vs. Grenadiers

Chris Hand and the “Grenade Charades” took the “Bonehead Award” to dizzyingly stratospheric, and equally as infamous, heights in Week 13, as noted in painstaking detail by WARTS, when he left over 40 points on the bench. A multitude of missteps that may force league officials to add his name to the award, and one that earned him an “A.W.” from one of the league’s weakest sisters (Wizards). On the flip side, Jack Barnes and his “Top Fuel Terrors” are prepping for a trip to the BDFL championship series although the 17 points they posted last week has led the Wizard to advise they go to Prattville for a few days to regroup. The Sleds used to pump out championships and championship contenders like a pez dispenser, which the Great Wizardo has noted in the past, but in recent years the only Jack has been able to do with any regularity is pop out young ‘uns, and that won’t enough to overcome the hefty ELVO spread of 8.5 points.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

 

Wooden Warriors (-7.5) vs. Fighting Slovaks

Adam Slovensky and the “Helena EurinePeons” are spending much of the latter stages of the season doing little more than licking stamps and placing them on envelopes after deciding to mail in the rest of the season starting in mid-October while his cousin Jaimie and the “Black Crick Banshees” have been cruising to the Greenhorn Division title and the shot at a trip down Glory Road it brings along with it. The Hand side of the Hand/Slovensky family doesn’t like to acknowledge their Brookside-based Slovensky brethren although since Jaimie comes from the “bad” branch of the Hand family, it’s not nearly as much of a faux pas. Still, no peace pipes will be brought out by the visiting Tribe and no quarter shall be given either, nor can any be allowed if the Warriors are to overcome a 7.5 point spread, something that is far more formidable than any resistance the Slovaks are likely to throw up. Nevertheless, the Wizard says that even 7.5 may seem a bit modest once the Wooden Warriors finish steamrollin’ their kissin’ cousins.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors

 

Cheetahs (-2.5) vs. Mayors

The Great Wizardo has always opined that “politics makes strange bedfellows” although that truism is hardly likely to strike any fear into the collective hearts of Butch Neals’ “North Shelby Bouncing Bimbettes” when they face Alan Arrington and the “Back Bench Bureaucrats” given their table top dancin’ ways have long since left them alongside more strange bedfellows than they can count. Nevertheless, intra-divisional rivalries within the Graybeard Division run deep and wide meaning the Cheetahs had best have their paws hit the ground at a full gallop when they arrive at Fair Park on Sunday because the Mayors are the last team on the outside looking in with any hope of sneaking into the championship round. Even if that a chance is about as remote as a Siberian outpost, it still adds a little extra meaning to a match up that may not need much to begin with. Still, a little “cat scratch fever” goes a long way.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

 

Wizards vs. Sloth Monsters (3.5)

Mike Dismukes and the “Ghoul Tools” have long since been known to leave their firearms on their dashboards so they couldn’t get arrested for carrying a concealed weapon, but they may want to put their ticket to the “Big Dance” beside after earning that right with a convincing win last weekend. On the other end of the spectrum, the “Tampa Town Squirrely Merlins” spent last week piling up garbage time points against the hapless Grenadiers, and have already checked their bags for a trip to Gulf Shores and the Big Mullet Series. Since both teams already know their Week 15 destinations, this game has little meaning other than pride, bragging rights, and half off the second entrée of equal or lesser value at Stuckey’s coupon that go with the victor. Facing a much more formidable line up this Sunday, the Wizards don’t have the luxury of their opponent bumbling and fumbling enough points away for them to win, or even cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

 

Gamblers (-5.5) vs. Dogs

The Great Wizardo’s “irrefutable fact of life #69” is that life is little more than good timing and ball bearings, plenty of ball bearings. With that in mind, Kenny Breal and his “Big Fly Bayou Yahoos” have shown little more than warning track power in the last two weeks, and may need to adjust their two-sizes-too-tight, fire engine red polyester coachin’ shorts and wife beaters prior to beginning the run for the roses next weekend. While a top seed is all but assured, a “one ‘n done” tournament favors the hot hand. Kenny’s last tune up prior to then is against Mark Burr and the Coalburg/Brookside Road Tire Biters”, a team that is hanging on to the last playoff slot yet needs to add a few nails to it in order to secure that spot a little more tightly. The Great Wizardo certainly sees plenty of scenarios where the Gamblers walk away with a “rub-a-dub-dubya” on Sunday afternoon, but doesn’t foresee them climbing back on their Greyhound Bus for the long trip home on Highway 41 coverin’ the generous 5.5 point spread, too.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 

Juggernauts vs. Bullets (-4.5)

Despite a “Big Dance” worthy point total, including an impressive 37 points in a Week 13 defeat, Allyson Edwards and the “Rice Rockets” find themselves on the outside looking in after piling up losses faster than Japanese automakers pile up recalls with last Sunday’s loss being the one that finally pushed them off the ledge. Meanwhile, Bullet and the “Dixie Dandy Lions” have found themselves in high cotton with the regular season approaching its merciful conclusion. The Bullets have a potent, yet balanced, attack that makes them a very dangerous foe for anyone daring to step into the ring with them, and while the Great Wizardo says it is never okay to hit a female, tossing them over the side of the Edmund Pettus Bridge might be okay under certain conditions.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

 

Woosiers (-6.5) vs. Blitz

Tommy Todd’s “Smoky Mountain Moonshiners”, in spite of an uninspired performance, managed to notch a crucial seventh vic’try of the season in Week 13, a win that sent them packing for the BDFL championship round. That stands in stark contrast to the “West Alabama Tusk-a-losers”, a team with plenty of sizzle but precious little steak, something they lent credence to after picking up their 9th loss of the season last week. After piling up more points than Carter has liver pills during the first half of the year, the Blitz began a slow descent, as predicted by the Wizard, to the cellar. What’s worse, the Great Wizardo says that they may have not even found bottom after watching their “one trick pony” (Adrian Petersen) pull up lame a few weeks ago. The 6.5 point spread, courtesy of ELVO, has the Great Wizardo’s sphincter contracting at warp speed, but he’s confident a little Vaseline and ten penny nails will do the trick if worse comes to worse, and that the Woosiers will make that job easier by winning, and covering.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.